The Dream

I was in an industrial building that had rooms. Everyone was there. I had my 2 year old son on my hip the whole dream. I remember being mad. My half Brother I have never met, was arranging Dads visitation and funeral. I was mad because I was never asked to be involved. He had set up tables around the sides of the room. They had pictures and things that had held a close memory to him. There wasnt very much on the table so I added to it with the things I had. When we were all done they were bringing my Dad in. I was so angry I thought he had been cremated to years a go….how is his body whole?? Of course in my dream I wasnt thinking about it being two years since he had passed….But anyways…. I walked over to him. He was inside a deep plain wooden box. No make up…He was all contorted and laying lifeless.I remember his feet being abnormally small.

From out of no where My 5 year old boy jumps up and rubs his head….I was worried for a moment. Then we walked away… I was standing from the other side of the room watching people as they look. Then there was a commotion. My Dad had stood up. When he stood up he did not look the same. He was a younger model of himself from his 30′s. I could hear my step Mom say, how could this be?! I yelled out Dad! He looked at me and called out my name and held out his arms. We both met each other in the middle for a hug. I remember feeling his back, thinking I would find a bony back. I found nothing. I was all better. He was renewed. At that time when I was hugging him, I never let go. unfortunately I woke up. Crying and upset. I tried to go back to sleep so I could hug him more and possibly talk with him…. But I couldnt.

Published in: on August 9, 2010 at 6:45p08  Leave a Comment  
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Psalms 4:8

I am sick of feeling the way I do. I am constanly tired. I am constantly checking my pulse. I am dizzy and light headed. I sleep 9 hours at night and still take a 4 hour nap in the afternoon. Today I had a hard time going to sleep. I kept checking my pulse and panicing. My heart seems to be steady then fast then skips. I pray and pray somemore.
I am anxious most of the time so I dont eat well anymore. I get sick to my stomach. I worry about how I am going to function correctly to do the things I need to do the next day.
I have my first counseling appointment tomorrow. Maybe I can get some of these issues resolved.
I am also making a doctors appointment tomorrow. I need to know if everything is ok with my body. I need that peace of mind. If this is just Anxiety and depression I am dealing with in my mind then that one thing. If Im having health issues, then that is another thing.
A Facebook friend posted a scripture today. This is a scripture that I deffinitly need to remember.

Psalms 4:8
I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord,make me dwell in saftey.

Published in: on May 5, 2010 at 6:45p05  Leave a Comment  
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Off my Meds.

I am now off my meds. Its been 2 weeks tomorrow. I had horrible side effects. I got to wear I was in bed often. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to take care of my kids for a while. I was so light headed,dizzy,nauseated and tired. I am so glad those side effects are gone. Now Ive noticed that things have changed. Things should have bothered me when I was on meds, now do.
I shouldnt have been ok with somethings going on in my life. Taking meds was my simple way of not dealing with things. Problem is now…. I have to deal with these issues. Im not just talking about the passing of my Father. Im talking about parenting issues,marriage problems….things that I have pushed aside for a while and ignored. I am so thankful I am not on more that one medication. I was on utube the other day and realized how much people take. WOW it was crazy no wonder they are having problems and side effects. They are taking what ever the doc prescribes.
My doctor wanted me to go to a counselor. I haven’t done that yet. I cant afford $30 a month right now. Especially if he wants to see me more than 1 time in a month.

Since I have been off the meds I have been dealing with mood swings and anger. I honestly feel like I could bash my head against wall. What does this mean? I just get so frustrated.
My husband doesn’t understand what I am dealing with. I dont know why I thought he would be more understanding.
I feel like I am the only one going through these feelings. I know a lot of this is from the imbalance of chemicals in my head….right? I havent been to church for 2 weeks now. There is some things I dont want to deal with right now either.
I need to work somethings out.
There are so many problems at hand right now. I know I could have it so much worse. I realize this. I cant believe I have been oblivious to these things. With the Lords help I will get through this.

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