The Dream

I was in an industrial building that had rooms. Everyone was there. I had my 2 year old son on my hip the whole dream. I remember being mad. My half Brother I have never met, was arranging Dads visitation and funeral. I was mad because I was never asked to be involved. He had set up tables around the sides of the room. They had pictures and things that had held a close memory to him. There wasnt very much on the table so I added to it with the things I had. When we were all done they were bringing my Dad in. I was so angry I thought he had been cremated to years a go….how is his body whole?? Of course in my dream I wasnt thinking about it being two years since he had passed….But anyways…. I walked over to him. He was inside a deep plain wooden box. No make up…He was all contorted and laying lifeless.I remember his feet being abnormally small.

From out of no where My 5 year old boy jumps up and rubs his head….I was worried for a moment. Then we walked away… I was standing from the other side of the room watching people as they look. Then there was a commotion. My Dad had stood up. When he stood up he did not look the same. He was a younger model of himself from his 30′s. I could hear my step Mom say, how could this be?! I yelled out Dad! He looked at me and called out my name and held out his arms. We both met each other in the middle for a hug. I remember feeling his back, thinking I would find a bony back. I found nothing. I was all better. He was renewed. At that time when I was hugging him, I never let go. unfortunately I woke up. Crying and upset. I tried to go back to sleep so I could hug him more and possibly talk with him…. But I couldnt.

Published in: on August 9, 2010 at 6:45p08  Leave a Comment  
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Medication

I started having really bad panic attacks. Right after I had Jonas I started taking Prozac. I have been on this for a year now. I havent felt like it has done very well with me lately so I switched to pristiq.  I have been on it a month now. I have been nauseated , sweating and very bad mood swings. I am getting of this medication ride. I am going to deal with life on my own with Gods help. I am going to the doctor this Tuesday to have a follow up. I am actually getting off this med before I ask her.

I have been really thinking about this. I want to remember what it is like to be a regular person dealing with life the way I should be.

Published in: on September 4, 2009 at 6:45p09  Leave a Comment  
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It seems like everyday is getting to be a struggle. Some days I can focus on the happy and wholesome things in life. Other days I am angry and short tempered. I am short with my children. I know that I am not doing a very good job right now in teaching them about having a Christ like behavior.

I am upset about my Father, upset cause we are having money problems,upset because I feel like I am doing this all on my own. I seem to be the most responsible. I feel like I am always the one to think.

I am tired of feeling like this. I have been pretty happy letting things slide. But as life progresses I am finding myself having a lack of forgiveness.  I am not this kind of person I have become lately.

Lord help me. I need to find it within myself to overcome this self destructing behavior. I need to learn to be what God wants me to be. I know this. So many things in life have such a hold on me sometimes I cant bring myself back to the good things in life.

I am wondering if some of these feelings might be from a hormonal change or my medication. Maybe I am just overly stressed.  Here lately I have been staring off into space with no expression on my face, no energy to smile or react. Prozac is not the way to go…… I am starting to realize this.

I am afraid to go off of it. I know all things are possible with Christ.  I feel like I can do it and then other times I feel like I have too much stuff going on right now to deal with it. My advice to depressed people with anxiety. Do not take medication. Find an herbal solution. There are plenty out there. Valium is fine for the moment of panic. A long term pill will not help things. Not for this gal anyways.

I don’t think even if I had a million dollars I would feel any better. Its strange.

Published in: on April 28, 2009 at 6:45p04  Leave a Comment  
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