future

My cold has let up a little. Yesterday was a hard day for me. Today I am feeling angry and focused on what I want to accomplish.

I have decided to finally go after my GED. I am going in Wed. to talk with a lady there about starting classes. I am more afraid I wont pass than anything. Im almost 28 now and its time to get myself a career soon. In a few years my kids will be in school full time. I need to start looking toward the future in some aspects.
I want to be an activity director. I love the elderly. I love to make them laugh. I have the experience I need.
I need to be financially stable and that I am not. Some of the money issues are adding a lot to my emotional problems. I love to be home with my kids. I have been very fortunate to be home with them in these early years. I am blessed. I cant imagine having to leave them both everyday all day 5 days a week. I am not ready to leave my babies like that or to pay someone to raise them for me.
I want to provide them a better future. I am tired of living pay check to pay check and still not making it.
Finding stuff to pawn or sell. Having overdraft fees,borrowing money so I can take my child to the doctor.

I do clean houses a few times a week and I love that. I also have a online store for my art creations and vintage items. Thats not enough. But I do enjoy doing it.
My husband and I also started a band together. That seems to be taking off.

I try to keep myself busy with things as much as possible.

Off my Meds.

I am now off my meds. Its been 2 weeks tomorrow. I had horrible side effects. I got to wear I was in bed often. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to take care of my kids for a while. I was so light headed,dizzy,nauseated and tired. I am so glad those side effects are gone. Now Ive noticed that things have changed. Things should have bothered me when I was on meds, now do.
I shouldnt have been ok with somethings going on in my life. Taking meds was my simple way of not dealing with things. Problem is now…. I have to deal with these issues. Im not just talking about the passing of my Father. Im talking about parenting issues,marriage problems….things that I have pushed aside for a while and ignored. I am so thankful I am not on more that one medication. I was on utube the other day and realized how much people take. WOW it was crazy no wonder they are having problems and side effects. They are taking what ever the doc prescribes.
My doctor wanted me to go to a counselor. I haven’t done that yet. I cant afford $30 a month right now. Especially if he wants to see me more than 1 time in a month.

Since I have been off the meds I have been dealing with mood swings and anger. I honestly feel like I could bash my head against wall. What does this mean? I just get so frustrated.
My husband doesn’t understand what I am dealing with. I dont know why I thought he would be more understanding.
I feel like I am the only one going through these feelings. I know a lot of this is from the imbalance of chemicals in my head….right? I havent been to church for 2 weeks now. There is some things I dont want to deal with right now either.
I need to work somethings out.
There are so many problems at hand right now. I know I could have it so much worse. I realize this. I cant believe I have been oblivious to these things. With the Lords help I will get through this.

Medication

I started having really bad panic attacks. Right after I had Jonas I started taking Prozac. I have been on this for a year now. I havent felt like it has done very well with me lately so I switched to pristiq.  I have been on it a month now. I have been nauseated , sweating and very bad mood swings. I am getting of this medication ride. I am going to deal with life on my own with Gods help. I am going to the doctor this Tuesday to have a follow up. I am actually getting off this med before I ask her.

I have been really thinking about this. I want to remember what it is like to be a regular person dealing with life the way I should be.

It seems like everyday is getting to be a struggle. Some days I can focus on the happy and wholesome things in life. Other days I am angry and short tempered. I am short with my children. I know that I am not doing a very good job right now in teaching them about having a Christ like behavior.

I am upset about my Father, upset cause we are having money problems,upset because I feel like I am doing this all on my own. I seem to be the most responsible. I feel like I am always the one to think.

I am tired of feeling like this. I have been pretty happy letting things slide. But as life progresses I am finding myself having a lack of forgiveness.  I am not this kind of person I have become lately.

Lord help me. I need to find it within myself to overcome this self destructing behavior. I need to learn to be what God wants me to be. I know this. So many things in life have such a hold on me sometimes I cant bring myself back to the good things in life.

I am wondering if some of these feelings might be from a hormonal change or my medication. Maybe I am just overly stressed.  Here lately I have been staring off into space with no expression on my face, no energy to smile or react. Prozac is not the way to go…… I am starting to realize this.

I am afraid to go off of it. I know all things are possible with Christ.  I feel like I can do it and then other times I feel like I have too much stuff going on right now to deal with it. My advice to depressed people with anxiety. Do not take medication. Find an herbal solution. There are plenty out there. Valium is fine for the moment of panic. A long term pill will not help things. Not for this gal anyways.

I don’t think even if I had a million dollars I would feel any better. Its strange.

Fear and Anxiety

Its so strang how you feel fine then all of a sudden, WHAM. You are short of breath, you feel like all the blood is rushing threw your body like a frate train, you feel like vomiting or having a bowl movement over and over again…… The list goes on of things that you can experiance with a horrible anxiety attack. I just had one a few min. ago. I have had a headache but nothing really that I am thinking about.

I know that we are not to be fearful or worry. Cast all our cares on to God. When I was having this horrible attack tonight I started to pray. Only with the help of him can I really overcome these problems.

If you have had a anxiety attack you know what I am saying. It is the worst feeling possible but the Lord has better plans for us. We are his Children.