Where he leads me

The Dream

waterdeep25 — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 14:15:27 +0000

I was in an industrial building that had rooms. Everyone was there. I had my 2 year old son on my hip the whole dream. I remember being mad. My half Brother I have never met, was arranging Dads visitation and funeral. I was mad because I was never asked to be involved. He had set up tables around the sides of the room. They had pictures and things that had held a close memory to him. There wasnt very much on the table so I added to it with the things I had. When we were all done they were bringing my Dad in. I was so angry I thought he had been cremated to years a go….how is his body whole?? Of course in my dream I wasnt thinking about it being two years since he had passed….But anyways…. I walked over to him. He was inside a deep plain wooden box. No make up…He was all contorted and laying lifeless.I remember his feet being abnormally small.

From out of no where My 5 year old boy jumps up and rubs his head….I was worried for a moment. Then we walked away… I was standing from the other side of the room watching people as they look. Then there was a commotion. My Dad had stood up. When he stood up he did not look the same. He was a younger model of himself from his 30′s. I could hear my step Mom say, how could this be?! I yelled out Dad! He looked at me and called out my name and held out his arms. We both met each other in the middle for a hug. I remember feeling his back, thinking I would find a bony back. I found nothing. I was all better. He was renewed. At that time when I was hugging him, I never let go. unfortunately I woke up. Crying and upset. I tried to go back to sleep so I could hug him more and possibly talk with him…. But I couldnt.

Two years ago today

waterdeep25 — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 11:23:30 +0000

Two years ago today my Dad passed away.
Feels like its been a decade. I woke up this morning crying.
I think my week had been adding up to a big ball of tears.
Ive been frustrated and all mixed up.
As I was crying the thought came to me…..what am I doing? My Dad wouldnt want me laying here crying my eyes out because he has passed on and went to heaven.
My Father would want me to rejoice and be glad that he is with Jesus. He has no more pain,hurt,stress of this world.
I am going to put my heart into not being sad but glad.
Im going to keep thinking positivly.
I miss him so much. I know he knows that.

You know how people say that their loved ones are here with them and sometimes they feel that they are here?
I dont. I wish that I could feel him in a room with me or sitting my me. I believe that when a person dies they either go to Heaven or hell. I dont think they come down or up from where they were to take a look at what everyone else is doing. In heaven we wont remember things on earth. So how is it that people can say he or she is here with you? I feel like people just say that to give others comfort in their time of sadness.
I feel as if our loved ones are in heaven praising God and hanging around talking with eachother. Sitting in a comfy chair a middle of a field in front of a pond watching a beautiful sunrise, drinking a cup of coffee and having to thing about all the calories the creamer has,
To me parts of Heaven would be a buffee of food, all you can eat. Everything would taste so amazing. My family would be their. We could all sit around talk and eat.
Being able to fish anywhere and not have to deal with bus that bite. You could catch anything as big as you could think.
We could swim underwater and not have to gasp for breath. Dive down to the bottom of the ocean bed. We think the ones here on earth are beautiful….just wait…
What is your heaven like? Who will you be reunited with there?

Psalms 4:8

waterdeep25 — Tue, 04 May 2010 22:45:31 +0000

I am sick of feeling the way I do. I am constanly tired. I am constantly checking my pulse. I am dizzy and light headed. I sleep 9 hours at night and still take a 4 hour nap in the afternoon. Today I had a hard time going to sleep. I kept checking my pulse and panicing. My heart seems to be steady then fast then skips. I pray and pray somemore.
I am anxious most of the time so I dont eat well anymore. I get sick to my stomach. I worry about how I am going to function correctly to do the things I need to do the next day.
I have my first counseling appointment tomorrow. Maybe I can get some of these issues resolved.
I am also making a doctors appointment tomorrow. I need to know if everything is ok with my body. I need that peace of mind. If this is just Anxiety and depression I am dealing with in my mind then that one thing. If Im having health issues, then that is another thing.
A Facebook friend posted a scripture today. This is a scripture that I deffinitly need to remember.

Psalms 4:8
I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord,make me dwell in saftey.

waterdeep25 — Sun, 02 May 2010 13:41:10 +0000

It always feels good to cry. I get a quick feeling of relese. I am still dealing with Anxiety, right now its right before bed. I have had this fear that I wont wake up. I worry about my children. I worry about who will take care of them. I worry about them having to grow up without a Mother. I wish I could quit thinking that way. Its a horrible feeling when your afraid to go to sleep. I am starting a counselor soon. This will be a good thing for me.

Sometimes I feel stupid for feeling the way I feel. I see others who cant walk or get out of their house. People who have lost their children. People whocant help themselves with daily chores. My problems are so minute compaired to others. I am really trying to get focused on living each day to the fullest, in spite of my fears and anxieties.

Today Ive cried. Looking at my Dads pictures. I cant even explain what void I have in my heart from him leaving. I try to remind myself he is in heaven. He would not want me to feel the way I do, but I do. I wish I could stop feeling the way I feel.

waterdeep25 — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 12:50:46 +0000

So I had my gig Sat. I was really nervous. I thought I was going to faint. Once I got up there I was fine. Everything was fine. All the things I have been worried about were fine. We made the bar over 800 dollars. We also got booked for another gig for 150 more than what we were paid this time.
God is good! I was very fortunate to have my friends there with me. They really helped me through it. We up coming gigs every weekend. The next one is a benefit for a little girl who has leukemia. I am hoping we can bring in a crowd so we can make her some money to pay her hospital bills. She is so cute and deserves the best in life.

I am done with my antibiotic. I feel better. Im hoping this feeling lasts. Im hoping this isnt just a good day for the moment. I am going to find a counselor to go to. I want to try to prevent panic attacks from coming back.

Finally Release

waterdeep25 — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 11:58:28 +0000

Yesterday we went to church. The sermon was great! Every blink of an eye or breath we take is a gift from God. We should glorify him in everything we say and do.
So I am happy to announce I had no panic attacks yesterday!
After church we ate and then I rested and watched tv. In the evening we had band practice. Band practice went well. I cant describe the kind of emotions when I sing. My energy flows out of me. All my thoughts disappear. Such a release of stress.
We havent practiced in a few weeks. A lot of people will be at this upcoming gig so we are practicing 3 or 4 days this week. There will be a lady from the newspaper. She thought our band name was cool so she is going to come and do an article on us. Then there will be 2 people from the American Legion from a bigger town. They want to hear us to book us……no pressure….

waterdeep25 — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 13:17:35 +0000

I am still coughing and congested, I have a gig this coming weekend. I am hoping the rest of my antibiotic will work. We have practice tonight, which is good. Singing for me is a great way for me to outlet. I hope I will be able to sing ok tonight. There is something about singing. I love it cause I dont have to think about anything except the emotion of the song I’m singing. People listen. Its such a release.
Maybe thats why I have been having more panic attacks this week. Ive been sick and cant practice and sing.
Who knows. I keep trying to come up with reasons why I am dealing with panic attacks.
I started to have one last night right after I ate. I have been getting dizzy and light headed this past week with them. That makes me think it is my antibiotic… Getting dizzy and light headed isnt a normal thing for me with my panic attacks…or the feeling like Im falling.
So when i started to have one last night I just immediately went and sat down with my 2 year old and held him. I just let it pass and it didnt last long.
There was nothing stressful in that moment when it started.

I have 2 boys and my husband has 3 boys from a previous marriage.
We have them all this weekend. Yesterday I cleaned around the house.The occasional fighting from the kids. Then I went and cleaned a house with my friend. Came home and ate supper.

Today we are going to church. I have worship time with the kids at church. They enjoy it.
Tomorrow we have 2 houses to clean and then practice again… I think.

Im nervous about our up coming gig. I dont want to flip out right before and then not be able to do this. Playing out is what I have always dreamed of.

room full of people

waterdeep25 — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 05:48:01 +0000

Its 1:30am I just got home from hearing my husband play a gig. What a night.
I thought I could go out and hang out. I dont really drink anymore. Even if I have one drink I get an uneasy feeling that something is going to go wrong.
Plus I really dont like the feeling of catching a buzz. Been there and done that way too much in my past.
So anyways When we first got there I was sitting down. I became light headed and I felt like I was going to faint. Then I start to panic, right in the middle of a room full of people. I went to the bathroom and almost puked. The classic panic attack… I kept telling myself this is mind over matter…I am also on antibiotics and I feel that they are not helping things.
My husband doesnt know what to do. He thinks he is the problem. He gets freaked out cause he doesnt know how to help or why they happen. I never know when and why they happen either. I tried my best to explain to him why and what is happening.

He was going to take me back home which was 15 mins away, before his gig. Luckily my friend showed up and made it go away. She kept my mind off of it and kept me laughing.
Which helped out a lot. I am glad the panic attack didnt win. It almost did and I almost went home.

Jesus,
Come and take my burdens. Lift my pain and hurt from my mind and soul. You know my heart. You know every move I make.Clear my mind so I can focus on you and you alone.
Guide me and protect us from harm. Open my eyes to what you would have me see.
Only you can heal me. Only you can make me whole. Lord, give me peace. Help me to be grounded in my mind. Help me to be calm and strong, to be the woman you called me to be.
Thank you for the children you have given me. Thank you for the opportunity to be their Mother. Help me to guide and direct them to be like you. Thank you Jesus in all you do. Amen

This too shall pass….I hope…

waterdeep25 — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 17:57:31 +0000

So I went to the doctor. I have bronchitis and an ear infection. I had a really bad panic attack yesterday. I cleaned a house and my chest started hurting. I thought it was time to go to the doc.
I feel like a little kid. Ive never been this sick. Today I cleaned 2 houses and now I am exhausted. I am gonna take it easy for the rest of the day. I am taking an antibiotic and inhaler. Its so strange how I feel. I feel as if everything is a tired dream.Its almost like a scary unreal dream at moments. My head is pounding.
Last night I couldnt get to sleep cause my head was hurting and almost a burning headache.

Dont get me wrong. I know there are people that have more issues than me. I just dont handle sickness well.
As for the panic attack I had yesterday…. well that was pretty rough. I had to get my husband from work to come and take care of the kids. I knew in my mind that I couldnt deal with taking them to the doctor with me…chasing the youngest one around…answering all the questions and demands my 4 year old has.

I feel kinda like a failure.
Its hard for me to even go a day without having some kind of mind meltdown.
My minds hurts so much cause I think and worry too much.
I worry about getting sick. I worry about dying. I worry about my kids,money,my vehicle,the weather,what my Mother thinks,my husband… really things that just dont make since in worrying about. I know they dont. I know that it does no good to worry. I try to put it in Gods Hands. I pray daily. This is just something in my life I need to get through at this moment. Moment in time.
I havent always been this way.

future

waterdeep25 — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 17:40:11 +0000

My cold has let up a little. Yesterday was a hard day for me. Today I am feeling angry and focused on what I want to accomplish.

I have decided to finally go after my GED. I am going in Wed. to talk with a lady there about starting classes. I am more afraid I wont pass than anything. Im almost 28 now and its time to get myself a career soon. In a few years my kids will be in school full time. I need to start looking toward the future in some aspects.
I want to be an activity director. I love the elderly. I love to make them laugh. I have the experience I need.
I need to be financially stable and that I am not. Some of the money issues are adding a lot to my emotional problems. I love to be home with my kids. I have been very fortunate to be home with them in these early years. I am blessed. I cant imagine having to leave them both everyday all day 5 days a week. I am not ready to leave my babies like that or to pay someone to raise them for me.
I want to provide them a better future. I am tired of living pay check to pay check and still not making it.
Finding stuff to pawn or sell. Having overdraft fees,borrowing money so I can take my child to the doctor.

I do clean houses a few times a week and I love that. I also have a online store for my art creations and vintage items. Thats not enough. But I do enjoy doing it.
My husband and I also started a band together. That seems to be taking off.

I try to keep myself busy with things as much as possible.